I haven’t posted in a while and I apologise for that, I’ve been a bit of a busy bee. 🐝
Two weeks ago I learnt why I shouldn’t mess with my meds and why shrugging and saying it’ll be okay doesn’t always work.
My birthday week/weekend happened just after all the shit went down in Manchester.
Me and my boyfriend were off to Chester for two days. I imagined I’d be incredibly apprehensive. That being in busy places with lots of other people was going to cause some sort of anxiety/OCD meltdown. My worries evaporated though.
I had fun, I barely felt anxiety creeping up on me.
When we returned home, it was a nice relaxing evening on the Friday followed by a short shopping trip with my mum on the saturday. Once again the crowds didn’t fase me, nor did the children almost running into us and my self conciousness (that has only made its self apparent, increasingly so, in recent years) seemed to disappear as me and my mum tried pair after pair of glasses on in tkkmaxx.
Sunday came and with it my Birthday. We headed to my mum’s where she had made me a cake, was cooking food and other people would be coming round. It was one of the most relaxed and enjoyable birthdays I’ve had in a while. I never felt awkwardness threatening to tear me away from a good time. I never heard those voices that lure me away from family moments into isolation.
I felt GOOD.
Better than good.
And because I felt good, when I forgot to take my second tablet in the evening (I had split them up, don’t do this either!) I just got on with things. Nothing happened. I didn’t have a melt down and wind up rocking in a corner.
So Bank holiday Monday I only took one. Tuesday I only took one.
Dropping from 40mg to 20 off your own back is never a good idea though.
Monday I began to feel a little off. A little ill and headachey. Tuesday I started to feel shaky, my mind kept feeling like it wasn’t my own. I was irritable, anxious, angry and felt like my head was full of bees. Stomach cramps and diahrreah followed. At this I panicked. I had to get out of work fast.
I left early. Still I was only taking one tablet and the next day, well the next day I thought I would be okay. I stayed off work but the bug I thought I had seemed to be passing. Until of course I pooped myself.
Yep. You read that right.
Even alone it’s only slightly less mortifying than if I’d been somewhere public.
I barely ate. I put it down to a stomach bug, then on Thursday, I spoke to a friend who I told I’d dropped my meds down. I was feeling increasingly erratic and she suggested that it could be withdrawal.
Even as I booked the appointment for Friday I was still convincing myself it was just a stomach bug.
It wasn’t though. The doctor told me that as I sat in his office feeling upset, foolish and slightly ashamed of myself. He was lovely about it but I didn’t feel like I deserved it. He told me the meds were probably what were making me feel so good and I agreed.
I got back onto my usual dose and low and behold I was okay.
Don’t mess about with your meds no matter how good you feel. Always talk to your doctor first.