I’m going to be honest now, more honest than I’ve been in a very long time.
I’ve stopped writing. Not all together, I mean I do it in bits and pieces, I do it in my head a lot. I form whole worlds and universes in a tram ride. Elegant plots and pieces of characters. It’s all contained, safe and sound in my head though.
When I sit down to write I’m filled with so much worry that I forgo it and seek comfort in a good book, a tv show, furiously cleaning the house, exercising or anything else. There is a block that seems to fill me and give me a mental and almost physical inability to write.
You might think that my fears are born of being rejected. That this is what stops me but it’s not. Over my years writing on the internet, especially within fandom I have come to the realisation that there will always be people who hate what you do, always. Even if you do everything right there will still be people who hate it. So I don’t fear rejection, I don’t fear critique. I don’t fear people despising my characters the way they do others.
I don’t fear victory either. I don’t fear fame and creating something that has fans.
What I fear goes somewhat deeper than that because I fear indifference. I fear my work holding no value to anyone. I fear that no one will even read it. That’s what scares me most.
Not only that but now my head has become filled with voices that ask me what the point is? What worth is there in writing? What is the point in it? It’s not contributing anything to the world so what’s the point? It extends beyond my writing though, it extends to other things. It extends to getting involved in causes I believe in. There’s a voice in my head that constantly questions the point when no real difference to the world can be made. The same voice that reminds me constantly that I am a small cog in a very very large world.
The problem is I don’t know how to stop them, I don’t know how to rebel against them because they’re not an outside force, they’re in my head, in my mind and the only way to stop them is sleep.
I need to push past them, I need to get over and round them. To stick one finger up at those voices and say fuck you, you’re not going to get the best of me. It’s going to take time but hopefully I can get there and hopefully I can get back that rebellious spirit and tell the voices to go fuck themselves.