A thought struck me earlier, and now it won’t leave me.
Am I actually getting better or am I just fooling myself into thinking I’m getting better?
I still have moments where I’m so overcome with anxiety for seemingly no reason at all. I can go to sleep fine and wake up shaken to the core by something that knocks my whole morning off. I can be in work be fine and bubbly and cheery and suddenly everything folds inwards, the office becomes too loud all at once, to the point I want to put my hands over my ears. Suddenly I want to be alone and everyone’s voices are grating on me. I can hear every breath they take and every single sodding sound they make.
And I still can’t write.
It makes me stop and ponder if I’m actually getting better and making the progress I think I am or if I’m just fooling myself into thinking I am.
I’ve never gotten better before, because my anxiety, OCD and depression have never had a hold over me before the way they have the past 1-2 years. The mood swings they used to cause, the ups and downs were somehow easier to manage than what’s happened to me in the past year and a half because I always knew after a down there would be an up. I could manage everything because I was able to distract myself. A luxury that stopped being possible for me.
I’ve been celebrating my victories, however small but those moments of anxiousness seem to dwarf the victories and make me wonder if I’m actually getting better or just fooling myself.
Am I really trying so hard to be a better person, in all the senses? Am I really trying so hard to better for the people around me that I’ve fooled myself into thinking I’m getting there?
Or is it a case that I’m actually getting better and that perhaps that small level of anxiety will always be there. It will always rear it’s head but put simply, in order for me to be better, my anxiety simply has not got to completely control my life?