Anxiety

Morning Meltdown

 

I do these crappy drawings on my phone….

 

The worse time to have a meltdown, even a small one, is in the morning when you have twenty minutes to get ready for work.

Okay, maybe it’s not the worst time. Being the person I am, I can suggest at least eight other times which would be worse than the morning to have a meltdown. Like in the middle of a zombie apocalypse when you’re trying to fight off a hoarde, or, in the middle of Christmas shopping in the Arndale. Those things are more similar than you’d think.

Still it’s a pretty stupid time. It usually makes me late for work and the reason behind said mini meltdown is even more stupid, mostly because there is no reason. 

Usually my morning goes thusly; My alarm goes off at 6:25 but usually I wake up at 6:20 anyway. I stay in bed for the five minutes extra, because it’s warm, my boyfriend is warm and the whole bed is just a cosy, quiet, calm place. 5 more minutes of peace before I have to start the day. Usually I jump up throw some clothes on, fix my hair, slap on some make-up and I’m out the door. I’m not trying to impress anyone in the office and normally I roll into whatever clothes are clean and semi-smart and my make-up takes less than five minutes. No contouring and elaborate eyeliner for me. I don’t generally tend to care about what people think about my fashion sense – or rather lack of- or my make-up skills. Usually I still have five minutes to spare and I spend that talking to my piggies.

Then there are mornings like this one;

Where the alarm goes off and I accidentally fall back to sleep. Okay the loss of seven minutes is usually not enough to throw me off my getting ready game but this morning, boy this morning my brain decided it was time to fuck around with me.

  • My make-up wasn’t right, to the point I re-did it four times – because someone is going to judge me for the eyeliner not being the same on both eyes and someone is going to point out where make-up is missing when I tried to correct it and then everyone is going to have a big laugh.
  • I went through four outfit changes – because someone is going to take a picture of me in this shirt and skirt combo and it looks hideous, and what if some star comes into work and I’m dressed like this and they judge me or I need to have a photo taken?
  • I brushed my teeth twice – because did I really get everything? Does my breath still smell?
  • and I spent at least 10 minutes trying to make my hair look okay. – because it looks flat and lifeless and it made me look bald?!? I think? and putting it up just made me look like slightly chavvy and I don’t really care what other people think (except this morning I do) but right now I feel like Station from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey that thing that is formed when the two smaller things run at each other; these guys for those too young for the reference;Image result for bill and ted's bogus journey station

    All  of  this whilst trying not to throw a temper tantrum like a toddler and flop to the floor in defeat.

Then when I do finally get downstairs to put on my shoes and am ready to go out the door, suddenly there’s six million things to check before I leave. The boyfriend won’t check them and I know he won’t because he’s not anxious about these things – because there’s no reason to be.

The list I have to check spirals as I check one thing it reminds me to check another.

It begins in the kitchen/dining room;

  • The oven is off at the wall – because what if some freaky accident happens and a knob is accidentally turned and then the hob comes on and the house sets on fire?
  • The heating isn’t on – because what if somethings resting against a radiator and sets on fire? What if the piggies get to hot and we come back to them having heat stroke?
  • The toaster can’t magically turn itself on – again because FIRE!
  • There’s no glasses on the side that can fall off and smash. – because what if the other half doesn’t notice and steps on it? What if the piggies get loose somehow and decided to head into the kitchen (where they never go) and get glass in their paws?
  • The fridge and freezer are both shut. – because what if the freezer melts and floods the house? What if leaving them open breaks the freezer or fridge? What if the other half doesn’t realise and we end up with food poisoning?

Then it’s onto the living room;

  • My laptop is off at the wall – because what if the battery pack over heats and sets something on fire? What if it turns itself on and then the fan overheats and FIRE?
  • The piggies have enough water – the bottles are just under half full but what if suddenly the day gets got, and they drink a lot and then they don’t have enough water? What if they get dehydrated? (they never drink more than a quarter a day max, if that.)
  • They have enough food – because what if they become super hungry, or we can’t get home until late and they have nothing to eat and they’re hungry. What if they think I’m starving them? What if they start to hate me?
  • They have enough hay – because what if the temperature plummets and they need to stay warm?
  • There is nothing in, on or around the cage that shouldn’t be – because what if they chew something and choke? What if they chew something and it makes them ill? What if something falls in and hurts them?
  • They both have enough light and aren’t going to get too warm. – because what if they feel like they’re in the dark? What if they hate feeling like they’re in the dark? What if it’s a grey day and not much light comes in? What if the temperature of the day rockets and they get to hot?

Check that they’re both happy and healthy. (My boyfriend feeds them veggies every morning and I KNOW he’ll check this stuff but I still have too??!?!?!?!) Glasses on, lanyard around my neck. Triple check my handbag for phone charger, purse. Make sure keys and phone are in the pocket.

Then it’s out the door where;

  •  I check I have my glasses on – because what if I don’t and I just think I do and halfway through the day I start to feel blind, or squinting gives me a migraine.
  • My phone again – because what if I forget it and something terrible happens? What if someone can’t get in touch with me? What if I can’t get in touch with someone and they think I’ve just disappeared or run away when really I’ve been kidnapped?
  • My purse – because what happens if I get lost and need to get home? What if I break my arm and have to get a taxi back from a hospital? What if someone else needs to borrow money? What if I need to buy something more than £30 and my phone doesn’t work? What if all the trams stop working and I have to get a bus.
  • and my lanyard for work. – Because is it really around my neck? Did I put it there?

I triple check if I feel like I’ve forgotten something. Even though my boyfriend is in and usually awake I need to lock the door. Which requires triple checking (involving moving the handle three times to ensure it’s locked and looking up at the front window then back down again and moving the handle again.) – even though I’m not going to be the last person out the door. Have to check the windows are shut too. Even though no one has opened them for at least the past month?!?!?!?!?!

If you think the list is exhausting. That’s because it is. Living it is.

Most of those things I do everyday, but when I have a mini meltdown in a morning I triple and sometimes even quadruple check them. Some of them seem normal, common sense even, the difference is that a normal person leaving the house isn’t going to panic like I do if I’ve not checked something. If I leave the house and haven’t checked it and it’s a bad morning I will walk all the way back from the tram stop to my house, just to make sure the oven is off at the wall and therefore – in a final destination-esque turn of events – somehow turn on and burn the house down with the guinea pigs inside.

Ten minutes late to work again, which of course sets off another boat load of what ifs in my head and the rest of the day is spent worrying about whether or not my boss realises I always make my time up? Whether I should bother her by telling her? Whether she even cares? Whether I look like a kiss arse in explaining that?

The rest of today is going to be so much fun- can you tell?

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